Ambien. No doubt about it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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