I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
