Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
