She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
