I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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