my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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