it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
