Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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