After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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