In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
