I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
