mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
