I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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