Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
