bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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