An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
