i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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