Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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