i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
