Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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