Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
