there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
