Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
