We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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