upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Sorry about my life...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
