My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
