At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
