No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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