I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
