He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
