Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
