the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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