my cup is half full, half full of rum.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
