So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
