you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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