I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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