I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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