Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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