Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
