I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
