My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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