getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
