i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
