The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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