I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
