I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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