Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
