I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
