omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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