He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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