You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
