you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
