very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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