will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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