im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
