Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
