Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
