You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You're a waste of cheezeits
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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